Little Snippets of Me

Here are random (I really do mean random) little glimpses of me...

1. I don't take disappointment well. I don't throw a fit. I actually won't show much of a reaction at all, but inside my little heart is very, very bummed.
2. I am a crier, and proud of it. Mostly I mean with books or movies. Or songs.
3. I'm not a jealous kid to either the extent that I trust you or am just not invested in you (second one is crappy, but true).
4. I am the kind of person who just wants to sit in a room with you. That is totally quality time to me. I am absolutely content to just sit in the same room while you are reading or studying. It's actually one of my favesie things to do.
5. I think it's a great practice to make a musical of your day. Totally.
6. I will do my best to take good care of your heart.

That is all.

Recoooording

Hmmm. I am in a studio. The recording kind. Not the apartment kind. RECORDING!!!!! Here with me...Layne Elizabeth and Molly Fiorentino. These two kids--I'll spend the rest of my life doing these things with them. And that's an amazing thought. It is surreal listening to YOURSELF in surround sound playback. I almost can't believe this business is going on.

Things about recording:

1. I remember how much I LOVE playing the guitar. I fackin' (yes fAcking) love it.
2. I love to sing, but do no love to hear myself sing.
3. My favorite part is hearing something I wrote or cowrote be sung and recorded and know that it will quite soon be sung along to.
4. I am not going for grammatically correct sentences in this thing.
5. I am STOKED about sharing it with a few people.

I wanna do this. I wanna do this with you.

-nb

Right now...

I am carrying a lot of weight, and I am reconciling myself to the idea of carrying a lot of weight/feeling a lot of pressure. Meh.

-nb

Language

Eh. Who was I kidding with the not being serious crap? I'm a serious kid. I just have to work on the consistent blogging part. Meh.

Molly, the perfect roommate match, and I had a great conversation today. And I am thinking about it. And I realize...there are sides of each other (everyone) that we're probably never going to get to know unless we value them enough.

Imagine if you didn't love the thing that is most important to someone you love. Or vice versa. What if they don't love the one thing you love the most? How will you ever know one another fully without this? When you reach this point of the conversation, you won't even be speaking the same language anymore.

Hmmm.

Droppin' Sick Beats Yo

In the studio tonight with Layne Elizabeth and Molly Fiorentino. Pretty excited. I get this really cheesy grin on my face when hearing Layne's playback's. And then Molly does her producer magic and makes me grin all over again. It makes me happier than watching Harry Potter movies, and believe, that is really, really saying something. This is coming from a girl who has an official Gryffindor tie like they wear in the later movies. Suffice it to say, the memories would be what I would use for my Patronus Charm.

Why so Serious?

Heeeeello. So, I figure it's way too hard to continually come up with those serious blogs, so why not just have fun with this thing, eh? And if I end up with a serious thought, I will be sure to post it. Purrrromise. So, I suppose the next bit is to figure out what my hook is going to be. You know, the thing that keeps you coming to read more and more. Obviously, I mean something besides my witty charm. Ideas? Anyone? Breaker, breaker?

Lovers at a Great Divide

This is my favorite Keane lyric. It strikes a chord that is somewhere deep within me. I first heard it last summer sometime, and until now, I haven’t really arrived at any sort of clarity as to why I love it so much.

I’ve definitely tried to dissect it, asking, What would cause lovers to be divided? I’d consider that a pretty sensible place to start. It’s a relative question. Other than standard answers, I never really came up with anything, and I just sort of lost the question to other pressing issues…like the Grey’s Anatomy season finale. No, I’m still not really over this George O’Malley thing. Moving on.

This week I read about the way we see ourselves in contrast to the way God sees us, and I assure you, “contrast” is a very appropriate term in this case. The author asked two simple questions of God: 1. God, what do I think of me? 2. God, what do You think of me? The answers unveiled a great disparity…revealing lovers at a great divide.

Challenged, I asked God the same questions, and hoped for dear life I actually heard any sort of answer. So, I asked, God, what do I think of me? I wasn’t that surprised by this answer. I felt as though I heard, “That you aren’t ever enough.” I only had the guts to ask the second question because, in the author’s scenario, there was encouragement in God’s answer. I felt as though I sensed the statement, “You are more than enough.” I was pretty sure this was some crap answer that my mind shoved in there before God could get a word in edgewise. However, the answer persisted.

And I sensed a great divide between myself and God. And how can I ever expect an intimacy with someone that far away? The only answer that I can really think of is that there definitely has to be some sort of reconciliation concerning this great disparity. And how do I look at myself and genuinely agree, “Nak, you are more than enough?”

Which brings me to the answer that I have to let go of this incapacitating view of myself. Which brings me to the conclusion that it definitely makes sense a gulf would exist between lovers when one won’t let go of things that drive them apart. Which brings me back to the question of how do I do this? Which brings me to the answer that I cannot do this on my own. Which brings me to the revelation that the divide has to be bridged if I am going to get help. Which makes me realize—I don’t let God help me.

And I wonder at how there was a divide between the two of us? I wonder at the absence of authentic intimacy?

Which brings me back to how do I bridge the gap? Which brings me to the answer—“stop backing up every time I try to get closer.” Which really humbles me even though it’s a gentle answer. I’m running away. I’m placing distance between us, and then feel hurt by the distance. It’s a little sick. And it’s really harmful. And the only answer, the only response I can arrive at is that until I let go of my corrupt ideas about love and relationship and myself, I will remain shouting distance from God.
Which brings me to the truth of my own desires—I don’t want that. Which makes me realize the ball is in my court. And I just need to let go.